We all get upset with our spouse from time to time but having the right structure, support and tools in place in your marriage determines whether problems get resolved or continue to repeat year after year.

THE OLD WAY

1. Withdraw/Run Away- pull away from your spouse and chose to not meet their needs because they have made you mad or aren’t meeting your needs

2. Fuel the Fire- Escalate the situation by attacking them, assuming you know what they mean, or disrespecting them in any way. You simply can’t fight fire with fire.

3. Ignore/Cross Your Fingers- Try to suppress your feelings thinking that maybe they’ll go away on their own. This only leads to suppressed emotions that will eventually boil over in an explosion or leave your partner because you can’t handle the pain anymore.

THE NEW WAY

1. Ask to Share Your Feelings- This shows your partner respect and ensures you are both in the right state to handle the situation productively. Frame your conversation in this way: I feel ______ (inset emotion) because __________ (state why). So, an example of this is: “I feel like I’m not important to you because you didn’t show up in time for dinner and didn’t let me know.” This allows you to express exactly what you’re feeling and gives your partner a chance to understand why. It does this is in a non-threatening way because you aren’t personally attacking them or making them wrong, you’re sharing how their actions or behavior made you feel.

2. Show Understanding- See the situation from their perspective. Why did they do what they did? They probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or make you angry, so where were they coming from? Have compassion and understanding toward them and this will help build the bridge between you.

3. Be a Team- When you both understand each other, now you can get on the same side of the table and work as a team to create solutions to the issue to resolve it and prevent it from happening again.

Can you see the value of the NEW WAY vs the OLD WAY?

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